Barack Obama, growing on me like a colony of E. coli

By Timo Cerantola

Six months of President Obama and the best thing I can say about Barack is that he’s not George Bush. Granted, he may be smarter than that banal skin sack Bush, but if the outcome is the same, does it really matter?

Is a knife in your back better than one through your heart? Whatever happened to the change he promised?

To date, all I see is politics as usual. You know, first win public approval with lies and promises and then, do whatever the hell those with the real power tell you to do. It now seems apparent that President Obama is merely a brand – a product brought to you by Corporate USA – the corporation that owns America and all of its subsidiaries.

So far, president (and part-time superhero and media star) Obama “THE MAN OF CHANGE” has continued leading with Bush league policies.

Here’s change Obama style:

He has bombed Pakistan several times. He plans to leave Guantanamo open for another year (while he expands Bagram?). He says he will withdraw the troops from Iraq next year – and leave a mere 50,000 troops and several military bases operational – all subject to Pentagon review (with options to remain as long as the Pentagon sees fit – which is anywhere from 2 to 10 years according to which General you listen to). Also, Obama has made no mention of the hundred thousand or so ‘contractors’ (mercenaries) the US employs in Iraq.

And finally, Obama is continuing George Bush’s plan of bailouts for wealthy people in banking and on Wall Street. That’s right kids; Obama seems content to continue with the Bush economic strategy of ‘no greedy wall street bastard left behind.’

Like Bush before him, Obama too believes that corporate and bank losses should be the responsibility of the taxpayer – and that corporate and bank profits the responsibility of corporations and banks.

In case you forgot people, capitalism already has a plan in place for banks that go broke – they go bankrupt and their stockholders lose all their money. And, the people who ran, pimped and thieved for those banks they ran into the ground find other work – (hopefully not in banking or anywhere near other people’s money).

What has changed so far?

Obama has built a government out of white-collar criminals, lobby group bootlickers and corporate elite lap dogs. Is this the change Obama spoke of?

Obama has empowered the same corporate criminals (and spawn of satan) who, with obvious conflict of interest, believe the solution to our econmic problems is to help wealthy people maintain their wealth – at the expense of generations of taxpayers.

Yet each day, as more and more American people lose their jobs and homes and take up residence in tent cities whilst lining up for food stamps, their president bails out crooks. Hey Barack, where’s their bailout? They got beat up by the stock market too! (Fortunately, I still have my Beanie Baby collection – which now represents my entire pension savings).

I imagine soon, (within a year or two) the US dollar will collapse – this will lead to a collapse in the US economy at large, hence severe unemployment, poverty and eventually civil unrest and violence. Then, martial law will be declared. The media will all get together to sell martial law to the public as the best possible solution for the country. Naturally, the people will buy into the big lie and be thankful for martial law – an Orwellian parallel of staggering proportions.

And so, as this economic Titanic sinks into the depths, Barack Obama like George Bush before him, is busy preparing seats on the lifeboats for the richest among us. The rest are being locked down in steerage and are about to go down with the ship.

To those of you who entertain the delusion that our financial woes will soon be over due to Obama’s superhuman ministrations, I view you as merely evidence that reality, like science, is no longer considered valid when it proves to be contrary to political theatre and propaganda.

If you are not fond of reality, I recommend you watch more television. Yes, television – where healthy minds go to die. I believe if you flip on your TV right this minute, you can catch America’s Biggest Loser, Jerry Springer or the mainstream network news (if you’re into fiction).

As the book says, “You shall know them by their deeds” – and so far, Barack Obama’s deeds speak volumes. Furthermore, I know that saying this is like walking into a NRA meeting wearing an Osama Bin Laden costume but here goes – Barack Obama is a fraud. Sorry, if the truth hurts.

The US is not leaving Iraq as promised. Obama ‘the man of change’ is willing to let bygones be bygones with American war criminal George W. Bush and those in his administration (who were only following orders).

By all standards of law, George W. Bush is a war criminal. The world witnessed this criminality in his illegal war against Iraq. Hundreds of thousands of innocents died and their country was destroyed. Bush was responsible for torture and several US constitution violations such as spying on Americans, illegal wiretaps and secret detentions. But, Obama says, lets look forward not backward.

The people elected Obama so that he would clean up corporate crime and greed and regulate the financial system so that the public would regain its trust in it. Obama was elected because he was going to restore America’s reputation around the world. Obama was elected because he was going to get the US out of Iraq ENTIRELY! Obama wasn’t elected so that he would expand a winless war and start bombing Pakistan.

What a typical politician he’s turned out to be. If Obama wants the confidence of his nation, perhaps its time to find some balls and stand up and be the leader of all the people, not just a mouthpiece for the elite. But as it turns out, no surprises here. Obama is cut from the same lying piece of shyte that Bush was. The presidency is merely a (insert your favorite nasty word here) country club. And like most presidents, Obama prefers to sound like a leader rather than behave like one.

Good-bye American Dream, hello American nightmare. [end]

Invade Canada, Bomb Toronto?

by Tim Cerantola

I believe Canadians know Americans better than anyone else on the planet. Unlike the rest of the world, as America’s next-door neighbour (and little buddy Gilligan), we Canadians get a chance to peer over their fence and into their backyards every day.

True. We watch them salute their flag every morning.

We hear them shoot off their guns and test their military equipment in the backyard.

And, we listen to them brag incessantly about America being the best, and the greatest, most wonderful, supremely amazing, inexhaustibly fantastic, prodigiously magnificent, voluminously fabulous, immeasurably marvelous, super-duper kick-ass incredible and… well, you get my drift – and not that any of that is untrue, but, how come, when it comes to choosing their leaders, we watch our gloriously superior cousins inevitably pick some dim-witted, intellectually challenged buffoon who thinks primarily about war and who America should attack next?

Indeed, unlike we Canadians, who pick our Prime Ministers based on their lack of balls and how out of touch with reality they are, Americans tend to vote for the candidate who best displays a rugged, shoot from the hip, take no prisoners, bomb them into the stone age style of leadership.

I surmise the American people feel safer knowing that the global bad guy (whoever he is this week), will capitulate to the American way of doing things rather than risk having his country reduced to a smoldering pile of radio-active charcoal briquettes.

And this is why, I believe, with a few exceptions, Americans tend to vote for the candidate who reminds them most of fictional war hero, Rambo.

Seriously, I’d bet if you polled Americans, you’d find many would agree that Rambo would make a perfect president. Agreed, Rambo would not be the type to say please and thank you to any dark “evil” mustachioed dictator.

No, if Rambo were in charge, he’d just bust him one in the kisser. And then, while that no-good, third-world dictator was down on the ground feeling around for his teeth, Rambo would mumble something stupid like, “Uh…, yo, commie, I’m ready to demand my terms.”

You see, American foreign policy experts actually believe that if the world’s rogue nations (anyone that disagrees with the US) know that America is prepared to bomb the living crap out of them at a moments notice, they wont make any trouble.

Which is why, every silver-spooned American son of a multi-millionaire, with presidential aspirations knows that to be a successful US president, besides having powerful connections and loads of money to buy an election with, all you need is one thing – a big stick!

Now before you minds start wandering into the gutter, the “big stick” I refer to has nothing to do with Bill Clinton’s well-documented skirt-chasing antics. The big stick I reference is the one former president Teddy Roosevelt waved during his “Speak softly but carry a big stick” speech.

It was Roosevelt’s “big stick” that cemented his presidential legacy. In fact, Teddy’s big stick was so effective, it has become the standard for American foreign policy, not to mention crucial to every president’s credibility, since.

Think about it. Harry Truman, Eisenhower, JFK and Ronald Reagan all displayed their big sticks and are remembered as presidential greats.

Remember Jimmy Carter?

Poor peanut farming Jimbo – though easily the smartest and most decent man to ever sit in the Oval Office, Jimmy was too much of a peace loving gentlemen to shamelessly wave his big stick around. So, he paid a big price in the presidential legacy department.

Not so for Theodore Roosevelt. Teddy charged up San Juan Hill with his big stick. JFK swung his stick at Fidel Castro and Cuba. Ronald Reagan laid on the lumber in Libya, Nicaragua, Panama and even little Grenada – teaching those nasty, godless scourges of the free world Grenadians a thing or two about…? … ? …Club Med?

Anyway, my point is, Presidents who use big stick politics are likely to be remembered as great leaders.

This is probably why George W. Bush gets so excited about America’s most recent missile defence system. Sure, Dubya probably can’t even spell ‘missile defence system’ let alone pronounce it, but at least he has enough presidential savvy to realize he needs a really big one – which incidentally explains Bush’s presidency perfectly – you see, contrary to popular belief, the chances of a complete imbecile being elected president of the USA are actually pretty good, especially if he likes war.

As for Bush’s next war target, Iran, Pakistan, Canada, take your pick, though my money is still on Iran.

As you may have read recently, Iran is constantly being vilified in our fair and balanced western media for building a nuclear power station.

I know. Oooh scary!

Hey, the puny little country of Armenia has had a nuclear power station for 30 years and so far has not launched even one atomic weapon at anyone. (Mind you, I still don’t trust them). But, I digress.

I guess Iran is the perfect choice when it comes to selling a war to the American public. Iran really can’t put up much of a fight. They have lots and lots of oil and, most importantly, Iran is already a well-established global meanie with plenty of hate appeal.

Well, it sure beats having to vilify a new country for an American public that can’t seem to keep their international enemies straight. Besides, everyone knows that America likes a good war, especially now that they can watch them on TV.

True, most of America’s latest military campaigns have seemed more like TV shows. I wonder whether the average American can tell the difference? Because, after a week or so, it seems most Americans don’t even remember what the war was about. They only remember how much they enjoyed watching all those explosions on TV, not to mention all that glorious flag waving at the end.

Now with George Bush on his way out in January, he has only a couple of months in which to fix a very serious presidential legacy problem.

Let’s face facts; the man is knee-high to below average, and a majority of Americans now view him as the biggest presidential turd of all time. At this point in his presidency, and with his unparalleled ability to over-achieve in the under achievement department, a quick little victorious war with anyone might do as a legacy builder.

This could be a potentially serious problem for Canada.

Like Iran, Canada can’t put up much of a fight, we have plenty of nuclear power stations and, we have oodles and oodles of oil. Duck and cover Canada, we’re ripe for an American invasion! I’m sure George thinks that a war against us is a good idea too. I can almost hear his rhetoric now…

“My fellow Americans, tonight America faces a new evil that is a threat to American life, liberty and all that America stands for. Our intelligence services inform us that for the last 130 years, several million Canadians have been amassing along our northern border – many of them armed with hockey sticks. Something has got to be done to stop these ungodly Canadians and, as far as this president is concerned, a bunch of evil tree hugging beer-swilling puck-heads who always say please and thank you after every sentence aren’t even a real country! Besides, I don’t appreciate a group of people who actually think that Canada is bigger than Texas. That’s why I’ve decided to bomb their capital, Toronto. Goodnight America and God bless.” [End]