It’s the End of the World Quiz: Kiss your butts good-bye!

Take the quiz and let the fat lady sing…

By Tim Cerantola

According to many psychics, religious fundamentalists and doomsday enthusiasts (who are all, more or less, the same people), the Bible’s final battle between good and evil is now at hand.

In fact, these apocalyptic predictions are taken so seriously by so many people, a highly profitable “end times” industry has emerged to feed this growing gullible audience – willing to pay for their daily dosage of doom and gloom in the form of books and videos.

Granted, in view of recent world events, our collective demise doesn’t seem like that much of a stretch, especially when the fear-mongering corporate media cheers from the sidelines, selling these wars along with their regular offerings of disaster, disease and pestilence.  Perhaps it’s only natural for the public to feel threatened and expect the worst.

Still, despite all this marketing of doom and prophetic pretentiousness, as far as I’m concerned, any talk of the end of the world is nothing but mindless nonsense and Nostradamus is just a great name for a new sinus medication.

However, just in case I’m completely wrong about this, and global annihilation is just around the corner, perhaps you should prepare yourselves with some end times knowledge by taking this apocalyptic quiz.

Question #1

1. Complete this next sentence. The end of the world will occur…

a) In 2012, coinciding with the end of the Mayan calendar.
b) When the “fat lady” sings.
c) When the Dow drops below 5,000.
d) Due to unprecedented levels of stupidity in Washington.

2. When the end of the world occurs, what is the most important thing to remember?

a) Your absolute faith in God’s love.
b) the pledge of allegiance.
c) Your eternal soul.
d) To bring clean underwear.

3. When looking for sure signs of the end times, we are told to look for…

a) Great signs in the heavens.
b) “www.endtimes.com” on the internet.
c) An increase in global disasters
d) an increase in homeowner insurance premiums.

4. In the end, according to Jesus’ Beatitudes sermon, who will inherit the earth?

a) Barack Obama
b) Sarah Palin
c) Bill Gates Jr.
d) The “meek” (minus the usual 15% in lawyers fees).

5. What is meant by “the rapture?”
a) It’s something that can happen when you pick up a really heavy object.
b) A Toronto basketball player.
c) It’s when God will rescue His faithful before the battle of Armageddon.
d) It’s the feeling I’ll get when the Toronto Maple Leafs finally win the Stanley Cup again.

6. It is said that when Jesus returns, He will set up his earthly kingdom in…

a) New Jersey
b) New Hampshire
c) Wasilla, Alaska
d) The New Jerusalem

7. Which of the following 2 characters did NOT help Dorothy find her way to the Emerald City?

a) The Scarecrow
b) The Anti-Christ
c) The Tin Man
d) The False Prophet
e) The Cowardly Lion

8. In the 11th century, the Irish Bishop Malachy made a series of predictions, meticulously listing and describing each of the remaining 112 Popes leading up to the final battle of Armageddon. According to Malachi’s predictions, only one Pope remains after our present Pope Benedict.

Pick the correct one
a) Pope Cheney, the Dick
b) Peter, the Roman.
c) Arnold, the Schwartzenegger
d) Pope Obama, the flipflopper

9. Which of the following is NOT an Edgar Cayce prophecy?

a) Atlantis will rise from the depths of the Atlantic Ocean.
b) In North America, a cataclysmic change will cause the Great Lakes to drain into the Gulf of Mexico.
c) Both California and Japan will sink into the Pacific Ocean.
d) Pizza will be delivered within 30 minutes – or it’s free.

And finally…

10. What have the prophets really been trying to warn mankind of for centuries?
a) Of the many earth changes to come.
b) That the mark of “the Beast” is just a bad haircut.
c) That the words prophet and profit are surprisingly similar.
d) That like P.T. Barnum said, there’s a sucker born every minute.

YOUR QUIZ SCORE: Who cares? The end is near for Pete’s sake. For once in your life stop trying to be such a smarty-pants!

Invade Canada, Bomb Toronto?

by Tim Cerantola

I believe Canadians know Americans better than anyone else on the planet. Unlike the rest of the world, as America’s next-door neighbour (and little buddy Gilligan), we Canadians get a chance to peer over their fence and into their backyards every day.

True. We watch them salute their flag every morning.

We hear them shoot off their guns and test their military equipment in the backyard.

And, we listen to them brag incessantly about America being the best, and the greatest, most wonderful, supremely amazing, inexhaustibly fantastic, prodigiously magnificent, voluminously fabulous, immeasurably marvelous, super-duper kick-ass incredible and… well, you get my drift – and not that any of that is untrue, but, how come, when it comes to choosing their leaders, we watch our gloriously superior cousins inevitably pick some dim-witted, intellectually challenged buffoon who thinks primarily about war and who America should attack next?

Indeed, unlike we Canadians, who pick our Prime Ministers based on their lack of balls and how out of touch with reality they are, Americans tend to vote for the candidate who best displays a rugged, shoot from the hip, take no prisoners, bomb them into the stone age style of leadership.

I surmise the American people feel safer knowing that the global bad guy (whoever he is this week), will capitulate to the American way of doing things rather than risk having his country reduced to a smoldering pile of radio-active charcoal briquettes.

And this is why, I believe, with a few exceptions, Americans tend to vote for the candidate who reminds them most of fictional war hero, Rambo.

Seriously, I’d bet if you polled Americans, you’d find many would agree that Rambo would make a perfect president. Agreed, Rambo would not be the type to say please and thank you to any dark “evil” mustachioed dictator.

No, if Rambo were in charge, he’d just bust him one in the kisser. And then, while that no-good, third-world dictator was down on the ground feeling around for his teeth, Rambo would mumble something stupid like, “Uh…, yo, commie, I’m ready to demand my terms.”

You see, American foreign policy experts actually believe that if the world’s rogue nations (anyone that disagrees with the US) know that America is prepared to bomb the living crap out of them at a moments notice, they wont make any trouble.

Which is why, every silver-spooned American son of a multi-millionaire, with presidential aspirations knows that to be a successful US president, besides having powerful connections and loads of money to buy an election with, all you need is one thing – a big stick!

Now before you minds start wandering into the gutter, the “big stick” I refer to has nothing to do with Bill Clinton’s well-documented skirt-chasing antics. The big stick I reference is the one former president Teddy Roosevelt waved during his “Speak softly but carry a big stick” speech.

It was Roosevelt’s “big stick” that cemented his presidential legacy. In fact, Teddy’s big stick was so effective, it has become the standard for American foreign policy, not to mention crucial to every president’s credibility, since.

Think about it. Harry Truman, Eisenhower, JFK and Ronald Reagan all displayed their big sticks and are remembered as presidential greats.

Remember Jimmy Carter?

Poor peanut farming Jimbo – though easily the smartest and most decent man to ever sit in the Oval Office, Jimmy was too much of a peace loving gentlemen to shamelessly wave his big stick around. So, he paid a big price in the presidential legacy department.

Not so for Theodore Roosevelt. Teddy charged up San Juan Hill with his big stick. JFK swung his stick at Fidel Castro and Cuba. Ronald Reagan laid on the lumber in Libya, Nicaragua, Panama and even little Grenada – teaching those nasty, godless scourges of the free world Grenadians a thing or two about…? … ? …Club Med?

Anyway, my point is, Presidents who use big stick politics are likely to be remembered as great leaders.

This is probably why George W. Bush gets so excited about America’s most recent missile defence system. Sure, Dubya probably can’t even spell ‘missile defence system’ let alone pronounce it, but at least he has enough presidential savvy to realize he needs a really big one – which incidentally explains Bush’s presidency perfectly – you see, contrary to popular belief, the chances of a complete imbecile being elected president of the USA are actually pretty good, especially if he likes war.

As for Bush’s next war target, Iran, Pakistan, Canada, take your pick, though my money is still on Iran.

As you may have read recently, Iran is constantly being vilified in our fair and balanced western media for building a nuclear power station.

I know. Oooh scary!

Hey, the puny little country of Armenia has had a nuclear power station for 30 years and so far has not launched even one atomic weapon at anyone. (Mind you, I still don’t trust them). But, I digress.

I guess Iran is the perfect choice when it comes to selling a war to the American public. Iran really can’t put up much of a fight. They have lots and lots of oil and, most importantly, Iran is already a well-established global meanie with plenty of hate appeal.

Well, it sure beats having to vilify a new country for an American public that can’t seem to keep their international enemies straight. Besides, everyone knows that America likes a good war, especially now that they can watch them on TV.

True, most of America’s latest military campaigns have seemed more like TV shows. I wonder whether the average American can tell the difference? Because, after a week or so, it seems most Americans don’t even remember what the war was about. They only remember how much they enjoyed watching all those explosions on TV, not to mention all that glorious flag waving at the end.

Now with George Bush on his way out in January, he has only a couple of months in which to fix a very serious presidential legacy problem.

Let’s face facts; the man is knee-high to below average, and a majority of Americans now view him as the biggest presidential turd of all time. At this point in his presidency, and with his unparalleled ability to over-achieve in the under achievement department, a quick little victorious war with anyone might do as a legacy builder.

This could be a potentially serious problem for Canada.

Like Iran, Canada can’t put up much of a fight, we have plenty of nuclear power stations and, we have oodles and oodles of oil. Duck and cover Canada, we’re ripe for an American invasion! I’m sure George thinks that a war against us is a good idea too. I can almost hear his rhetoric now…

“My fellow Americans, tonight America faces a new evil that is a threat to American life, liberty and all that America stands for. Our intelligence services inform us that for the last 130 years, several million Canadians have been amassing along our northern border – many of them armed with hockey sticks. Something has got to be done to stop these ungodly Canadians and, as far as this president is concerned, a bunch of evil tree hugging beer-swilling puck-heads who always say please and thank you after every sentence aren’t even a real country! Besides, I don’t appreciate a group of people who actually think that Canada is bigger than Texas. That’s why I’ve decided to bomb their capital, Toronto. Goodnight America and God bless.” [End]