Invade Canada, Bomb Toronto?

by Tim Cerantola

I believe Canadians know Americans better than anyone else on the planet. Unlike the rest of the world, as America’s next-door neighbour (and little buddy Gilligan), we Canadians get a chance to peer over their fence and into their backyards every day.

True. We watch them salute their flag every morning.

We hear them shoot off their guns and test their military equipment in the backyard.

And, we listen to them brag incessantly about America being the best, and the greatest, most wonderful, supremely amazing, inexhaustibly fantastic, prodigiously magnificent, voluminously fabulous, immeasurably marvelous, super-duper kick-ass incredible and… well, you get my drift – and not that any of that is untrue, but, how come, when it comes to choosing their leaders, we watch our gloriously superior cousins inevitably pick some dim-witted, intellectually challenged buffoon who thinks primarily about war and who America should attack next?

Indeed, unlike we Canadians, who pick our Prime Ministers based on their lack of balls and how out of touch with reality they are, Americans tend to vote for the candidate who best displays a rugged, shoot from the hip, take no prisoners, bomb them into the stone age style of leadership.

I surmise the American people feel safer knowing that the global bad guy (whoever he is this week), will capitulate to the American way of doing things rather than risk having his country reduced to a smoldering pile of radio-active charcoal briquettes.

And this is why, I believe, with a few exceptions, Americans tend to vote for the candidate who reminds them most of fictional war hero, Rambo.

Seriously, I’d bet if you polled Americans, you’d find many would agree that Rambo would make a perfect president. Agreed, Rambo would not be the type to say please and thank you to any dark “evil” mustachioed dictator.

No, if Rambo were in charge, he’d just bust him one in the kisser. And then, while that no-good, third-world dictator was down on the ground feeling around for his teeth, Rambo would mumble something stupid like, “Uh…, yo, commie, I’m ready to demand my terms.”

You see, American foreign policy experts actually believe that if the world’s rogue nations (anyone that disagrees with the US) know that America is prepared to bomb the living crap out of them at a moments notice, they wont make any trouble.

Which is why, every silver-spooned American son of a multi-millionaire, with presidential aspirations knows that to be a successful US president, besides having powerful connections and loads of money to buy an election with, all you need is one thing – a big stick!

Now before you minds start wandering into the gutter, the “big stick” I refer to has nothing to do with Bill Clinton’s well-documented skirt-chasing antics. The big stick I reference is the one former president Teddy Roosevelt waved during his “Speak softly but carry a big stick” speech.

It was Roosevelt’s “big stick” that cemented his presidential legacy. In fact, Teddy’s big stick was so effective, it has become the standard for American foreign policy, not to mention crucial to every president’s credibility, since.

Think about it. Harry Truman, Eisenhower, JFK and Ronald Reagan all displayed their big sticks and are remembered as presidential greats.

Remember Jimmy Carter?

Poor peanut farming Jimbo – though easily the smartest and most decent man to ever sit in the Oval Office, Jimmy was too much of a peace loving gentlemen to shamelessly wave his big stick around. So, he paid a big price in the presidential legacy department.

Not so for Theodore Roosevelt. Teddy charged up San Juan Hill with his big stick. JFK swung his stick at Fidel Castro and Cuba. Ronald Reagan laid on the lumber in Libya, Nicaragua, Panama and even little Grenada – teaching those nasty, godless scourges of the free world Grenadians a thing or two about…? … ? …Club Med?

Anyway, my point is, Presidents who use big stick politics are likely to be remembered as great leaders.

This is probably why George W. Bush gets so excited about America’s most recent missile defence system. Sure, Dubya probably can’t even spell ‘missile defence system’ let alone pronounce it, but at least he has enough presidential savvy to realize he needs a really big one – which incidentally explains Bush’s presidency perfectly – you see, contrary to popular belief, the chances of a complete imbecile being elected president of the USA are actually pretty good, especially if he likes war.

As for Bush’s next war target, Iran, Pakistan, Canada, take your pick, though my money is still on Iran.

As you may have read recently, Iran is constantly being vilified in our fair and balanced western media for building a nuclear power station.

I know. Oooh scary!

Hey, the puny little country of Armenia has had a nuclear power station for 30 years and so far has not launched even one atomic weapon at anyone. (Mind you, I still don’t trust them). But, I digress.

I guess Iran is the perfect choice when it comes to selling a war to the American public. Iran really can’t put up much of a fight. They have lots and lots of oil and, most importantly, Iran is already a well-established global meanie with plenty of hate appeal.

Well, it sure beats having to vilify a new country for an American public that can’t seem to keep their international enemies straight. Besides, everyone knows that America likes a good war, especially now that they can watch them on TV.

True, most of America’s latest military campaigns have seemed more like TV shows. I wonder whether the average American can tell the difference? Because, after a week or so, it seems most Americans don’t even remember what the war was about. They only remember how much they enjoyed watching all those explosions on TV, not to mention all that glorious flag waving at the end.

Now with George Bush on his way out in January, he has only a couple of months in which to fix a very serious presidential legacy problem.

Let’s face facts; the man is knee-high to below average, and a majority of Americans now view him as the biggest presidential turd of all time. At this point in his presidency, and with his unparalleled ability to over-achieve in the under achievement department, a quick little victorious war with anyone might do as a legacy builder.

This could be a potentially serious problem for Canada.

Like Iran, Canada can’t put up much of a fight, we have plenty of nuclear power stations and, we have oodles and oodles of oil. Duck and cover Canada, we’re ripe for an American invasion! I’m sure George thinks that a war against us is a good idea too. I can almost hear his rhetoric now…

“My fellow Americans, tonight America faces a new evil that is a threat to American life, liberty and all that America stands for. Our intelligence services inform us that for the last 130 years, several million Canadians have been amassing along our northern border – many of them armed with hockey sticks. Something has got to be done to stop these ungodly Canadians and, as far as this president is concerned, a bunch of evil tree hugging beer-swilling puck-heads who always say please and thank you after every sentence aren’t even a real country! Besides, I don’t appreciate a group of people who actually think that Canada is bigger than Texas. That’s why I’ve decided to bomb their capital, Toronto. Goodnight America and God bless.” [End]